As the world turns...

Wednesday, October 15th, 2008: Evening Edition

2008-10-15T15:24:00.000-07:00

Apparently a couple of guys are supposed to be talking on TV tonight. I don't see what's so special.

Stocks Plunge on Economic Gloom

Many wonder what happened, since the market went up 11% on Monday. The answer from the brokers, "We bought them for the lulz."

Bernanke Says Bailout Will Need Time to Work

After seeing Paulson splashed across television and print media over the last couple of days, many wonder who this guy is.

Nancy Reagan Fractures Her Pelvis

Many wonder, didn't this happen already?

Cheney Treated for Irregular Heartbeat

Many wonder, he has a heart?

Russian Lawyer's Illness Is Investigated

The human rights lawyer bringing trial against those charged with the shady killing of thorn-in-side journalist Anna Politkovskaya found mercury pellets in her car. After asking for a delay in the trial for treatment, the Russian judge denied it. Many wonder, why are we surprised?

Infant Deaths Drop in US, But Rate is Still High

Many wonder, does that mean we've moved up to 2nd world health-care now?

John Paul was Wounded in 1982 Stabbing, Aide Reveals

Many wonder how bad JPII's luck seriously must have been in Fatima, Portugal.

Palin Vows to win "Economic War" In US

Many wonder if she will "bring back our investments with honor and victory."

Executions in Saudi Arabia Quadruple, Amnesty Says

Many wonder, hey, it's an effective method for controlling voter fraud.

Drunken Man Tries to Hijack a Turkish Plane

Apparently this is not the first time. Or second, or third... Many wonder, why bother.

Man Making Kebabs Next to Corpse

Many wonder, why didn't he solve the problem by making kebabs from the corpse?

Rabbit Invasion Shuts Mandela Museum

Many wonder...WTF?

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008: Evening Edition

2008-10-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

Posting...for two days...in a row. Unheard of, I know.

Poll Says McCain is Hurting His Bid by Using Attacks

Oh noes, teh negativity! Those still supporting McCain do, however, say that it isn't a negative campaign: Obama is a Muslim. This leaves few million Americans who are scratching their heads, still waiting for someone to respond "And if it's true, what's wrong with that?"

In Tajikistan, Debt-Ridden Farmers Say They are the Pawns

In old Soviet Union...nope, still the same.

Paulson Says Banks Must Deploy New Capital

He also reportedly said "Bonds Away!" and "This is not the end; this is not the beginning of the end; this just might be the end of the beginning" - oh wait, McCain already stole that one. Additionally, Bernanke is thinking how awesome he is in his Napoleon pose.

In Oregon, Rival Candidate Rides Democratic Wave

Republican Senator Gordon Smith tries to tell the crowd that the R on the ballot is just his middle initial.

32 Cats, Note from Ill Owner Left with Alabama Vets

Crazy cat lady turns out not to be so crazy after all.

Video Games Feature Ads for Obama Campaign

Alas, no GTA; mostly EA games, as updated through XBOX 360 and the like, but still.

Don't Eat Those Nuts, Police Warn Thieves

660 lb of hazelnuts were stolen in Germany, but their containers were filled with hydrogen phosphate gas to extend shelf-life.

Boxer Soothes Fists with Son's Wet Diapers

You're gonna have to click the link to find out more.

Monday, October 13th, 2008: Evening Edition

2008-10-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

We're baaaaaaack. My lame reason for not posting here? I didn't have school. Onwards!

Stocks Soar 11% On Aid to Banks

Apparently, a bunch of politicians getting together and saying "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down" regarding the economy gave a boost of confidence. Also, 11% isn't so impressive after it just lost half of the its peak volume over the last couple of weeks.

Goldman Sachs Seeks New York Bank Charter

Unlike most banks, which have national charters. Forced to do retail banking, they don't want money that commoners have had their grimy hands on.

Krugman Wins Economics Nobel

In following the tradition of one d-bag a year getting an award, Paul Krugman, Princetonian professor and NY Times Op-Eder, was honored by the Swedes. He took the occasion to let us know that we are all still doomed and should make him philosopher-king.

Supreme Court Rejects Obese Ohio Inmate's Appeal

Apparently you can't be too fat to be executed.

Sudan To Conduct Its Own Darfur Trials

In related news, the Nuremberg defendants would like a retrial in Nazi Germany, and Mugabe will personally handle all further election recounts.

Hindu Threat To Christians: Convert or Flee

We were wrong: apparently it's just brown people in general who hate us/the West/freedom.

The Man Behind the Whispers About Obama

He also happened to say "I am able to understand how the Holocaust took place, and with every passing day feel less and less sorry that it did." Irony, much?

Bush Signs Controversial Anti-Piracy Law

Apparently this creates an "IP Czar." Can we come up with a term different than czar for each time we make a new useless position?

More than 100 Sick as Too Many Cooks Spoil Broth

Thinking the food too bland at a Chinese wedding banquet, many guests added salt. At least they thought they did - turns out it was powdered rust remover.

Official Undone by Tight Trouser Crackdown

The minister in Sudan who arrested young women coming out of church with tight pants on the grounds that the attire proved that they belonged to a youth gang has been sacked. The gender minister said that the minister's actions were unconstitutional; genocide is apparently not.

FiveThirtyEight Electoral Projections

Tracking Obama's March to the Sea.

Thursday, May 1st, 2008: Afternoon Edition

2008-05-01T12:21:00.001-07:00

Dockworkers Protest Iraq War

The International Longshore and Warehouse Union reports that about 25,000 workers in 29 ports on the west Coast stayed off the job on May Day in protest of the Iraq War.

DNC Chair Under Bill Clinton Backs Obama

A few more and Carville will have to switch from Judas to the Twelve Apostles.

House Backs Gene-Discrimination Plan

"Look, this way people won't be afraid to get gene-tested!" Oh wait, then they can't get insurance. The only dissenting vote in all of Congress (passed in Senate 95-0): Ron Paul, of course.

How Much Do You Make? The Nation Already Knows

Italy combats tax evasion by posting everyone's tax and income information online for everyone to look at.

For Exxon Mobil, $10.9 Billion Profit Disappoints

Even though everywhere else even turning a profit is causing stocks to sky-rocket, Exxon Mobil's profit actually increased 17% and their stock fell. Clearly, they need subsidies.

DC Madam May Have Killed Herself

The body of what is believed to Deborah Jeane Palfrey, whose offer to bring to the stand DC bigshots in her defense against prostitution allegations in her escort business outed Republican Senator David Vitter of Louisiana, was found in a shed alongside her mother's home with what appears to be a suicide note.

Key Militant in Somalia Killed in US Attack

We finally got him, after you know, killing dozens of civilians in this and prior attempts.

The Man Who Grew a Finger

An Ohio man regrew his finger, nails and fingerprints and all, after having the end cleanly chopped off in a hobby shop by the propeller of a model airplane. He applied "pixie dust", i.e. extracellular matrix in development at the University of Pittsburgh derived from the walls of pig bladder.

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008: Afternoon Edition

2008-04-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

HP Unveils New Memory Technology

Team of HP scientists develop a simple circuit element that could produce really tiny, really dense chips, potentially imitation biological synapses. How long before Bill Joy begins shouting about Grey Goo again?

Time Warner Spinning Off Cable Unit

Meanwhile, the AOL part of it remains the 800-pound gorilla slowly bleeding to death and staining the rug in the room.

China Investigates Forced Child Labor

ORLY Award: Oh, there are child laborers in China?

Dumb As We Wanna Be

Glad to have Friedman back to lay down an occasional smackdown. This time, our idiotic energy policy.

FDA Warns Merck About Vaccine Plant Problems

This at the plant that makes Gardasil and a few hepatitis vaccines. Whoops. At least they are down from 49 citations to 12 now...

Ten US Diplomats to Leave Belarus

At the request of the Belarusian government. The US has sanctions against its top petro producer, and wasn't too happy when its president of the past 14 years rigged his latest election. Probably the cause for some tensions.

McKellen to Reprise Role as Gandalf in "Hobbit"

Apparently New Line is making it into two movies, to be released in 2010 and 2011. After their nasty break with Peter Jackson, Guillermo del Toro was selected to direct the movies. Del Toro directed Pan's Labyrinth.

Swiss Discoverer of LSD Dies, Aged 102

I'm gonna guess he wasn't a heavy user.

South Korea's First Astronaut Rescued by Startled Nomads

You know what, I'm not gonna comment on this.

So, You Don't Like the Color, Right?

A 2M yuan sculpture in China that took two years to build was dismantled right before its unveiling because an official did not like the color.

People Urged to Chip in for Hydroelectric Plant

The government of Tajikistan, one of the poorest countries in the world, asked for half of the wages of the people in the capital to complete the Rogun power plant, which has been under construction since Soviet times. Mind you, they didn't ask the employees, they asked the employers.

Ads Seek Ex-Soldiers for Smuggling Jobs

Radio ads have been broadcast in Guatemala seeking ex-members of an elite special forces unit to help drug cartels smuggle their good into Mexico. Of course, in Mexico, a renegade unit of the army is working for the drug cartels on that side. Safer than serving in Iraq, I suppose.

State Moves to Ban Fake Testicles on Vehicles

Nope. Nothing to say here.

Monday, April 28th, 2008: Morning Edition

2008-04-28T07:40:00.000-07:00

Mars Acquires Wrigley for $23 Billion

The nightmare of every elementary school teacher has come true: caffeine-laden, chocolate sticks of gum.

Signs of Attacks on Zimbabwe's Opposition

Today's premier "ORLY?" post.

Austria Says Man Jailed Her Daughter for 24 Years

The kicker is that he also fathered 7 children with her. It was discovered when the oldest, now 19, became seriously ill and needed to got to the hospital. And you whine about being grounded...

Revealing Photo Threatens a Major Disney Franchise

15 and a half year old Miley Cyrus, of Hannah Montana fame, appears "topless" - but covered with a sheet - in a Vanity Fair photo shoot. Geez, at least Britney and Lindsay had the decency to become legal before the first signs of their careers going up in flames occurred.

US Condemns Taliban Attack on Karzai

This comes a close second to the Zimbabwe headline.

Russian Student's Prank Earns 16 Years in Jail

In new Soviet Russia, authoritarian government pranks you!

Sunday, April 27th, 2008: Morning Edition

2008-04-27T11:27:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the delay, all 0 of you who missed me. Links of the day:

Karzai Under Fire

The mayor of Kabul - sorry, I meant the President of Afghanistan came under fire at some ceremony or another. Tribal chief and parliamentarian do die in clash, but if they were in Kabul, it probably means they had no power any ways. Props for the picture at the top.

Koreans Prep-Schoolers Train for Harvard

The latest invasion of Asian ninja Ivy League applicants. Complete with no romantic life and hidden cameras to make sure the students study, not sleep.

Bowling 1, Health Care 0

Elizabeth Edwards rips the media for making or breaking candidates based on a whim, and ignoring any issue of importance, leaving serious voters to dig up elsewhere what should be readily available in the mainstream.

Abbas Downbeat on Prospect for Middle East Peace

You know, cause it was so promising before.

California Wildfire Rages in Scorching Heat

It's that time of year again...

Urban Miners Look for Precious Metals in Cell Phones

You know the economy is rough when...

Inaugural Post

2008-03-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hello to the current audience of none.

The primary use of this will be a compilation of links to current events, mostly as an archive to myself. You, the yet non-existent reader, are of course welcome to look on.

On that note:

Gov. Spitzer is to speak in a few minutes about his future regarding HookerGate

Word has it that he will resign effective Monday, and Lt. Gov. Paterson will then be sworn in. Paterson, mostly unknown before his selection as Lt. Gov., was a popular member of the State Senate and is legally blind. Guess he didn't see this coming.

Mrs. McGreevey Sympathizes with Mrs. Spitzer

So what if she stood up there when the Governor gave his Giambi-like apology? She was probably still trying to figure out what the hell happened while up there, the also-shafted Mrs. McGreevey says. Also, anyone find it strange that she goes by Dina Matos McGreevey when she is divorced from Jim McGreevey? Anyways, within one week, I say Silda is eyeing a book deal and HRC is eyeing her for a running mate.

The Angle on Spitzer You've All Probably Been Waiting For

Former member of the escort industry wonders how stupid Spitzer must be to use a service that's on the internet.

Knesset Members Inflamed By Merkel's Speech There

And she she hasn't even spoken yet. Two major reasons given: 1) She isn't a head of state; 2) She asked to speak in German.

Head of Central Command Retires After One Year

Adm. Fallon retires after not following the administration line on foreign policy. Having said that a "constant drumbeat of conflict" coming from DC regarding Iran isn't helpful, he must have felt a little unwelcome. At least it offers hope for common soldiers trying to limit their multiple tours of duty. Disagreeing with your superiors will probably get you sent home, or take your turn without adequate armor this week at the frontline. Either way, you aren't coming back to Iraq for another round.

A Heart Device Is Found Vulnerable to Hacker Attacks

IM IN YOUR <3, INFARCTIN UR MYOCARDIUM

Andy Roddick Only Aims for the Best

...Which means skipping out on the Summer Olympics to defend his title at the Legg Mason.

Iraqi Police Raid Mehdi Army Stronghold

Cause, you know, they've been upholding a ceasefire for the better part of year now.

Hamas Sets Terms for Ceasefire with Israel

You know, they ought to have Mideast peace plans and proposals up on the boards at Vegas.

Internet for Pornography, Not Voting: Ex Polish PM

At least he was half right. I mean, more people watch porn than vote, so you might get better results by putting it up on the internet.

Woman Tries to Bring Skeleton on Plane

At least they weren't in her closet, just the overhead.

Kevorkian Runs for Congress

You know its a bad time to be a Republican when Dr. Death stands a chance against you.

Sex Infections Found in a Quarter of Teenage Girls

And they said we were being silly when we said they had cooties.